Being single in the era of covid

I’m single and I have been for quite some time

And that’s fine

In a normal world there’s nothing a single girl can’t do

It’s up to you

With who, and when you

Want

But that freedom has been taken away

We can do almost anything but play

Even basic social interaction is forbidden

How am I meant to meet men, when I can’t even see my friends?

We’re putting our lives on hold, and depending on how old 

you are, the consequences will reach far

For us ladies in our 30s that hadn’t decided whether to settle down or not yet

The timing is crucial

The decision is being made for us

There is no chance for a lust 

to turn into love.

I’m putting this out there as I know some will relate

Some of us are still swiping, maybe even going on dates

But it’s risky behaviour

Putting friends, family or housemates in danger

When even a kiss is breaking the law

I can’t blame those who choose to break the rules more

But it’s an extra layer of complexity

On top of finding someone I like who also likes me

They’ve got to follow the rules but then break them with me?

And when are you meant to make this decision?

Meet online, share a bottle of wine, over Zoom?

Quickly get out in between lockdowns

Have one date before the next round 

of social restrictions ...

And then the decision

Are they worth breaking the law for?

Or do you keep it above board

Keeping up to date with each other’s lives through messages

But nothing changes

Still sat at home watching Netflix

Working online

I know how it will go, line by line ...

How are you?

Been up to much?

No. You?

And after months of monotony it fades

We’re at our sexiest when living our passion

But with everyone’s lives turned upside down

That passion seems nowhere to be found

But it’s there

And although the world seems to be sleeping

The tension is building

And when it’s all over the parties will be amazing

So we’ve just got to be patient

When the world is back to normal all that latent 

energy will be released

And we can feast

On all the hugs and touch and being kissed

The human connection that we’ve missed

And it may seem like a long time

But in the end I know it’ll turn out fine

Visualising pain

 I have a pain in my heart

I visualise this pain:

Black with sadness

Red with anger

Yellow, feeling sick

Green jealousy

I bring into this pain a calm blue

Combining with all the colours, all the emotions

To create a strong white light

A rainbow of joy and love

Gaining strength from my feeling

Noticing and being

All that is me

Cloud scapes

I spend my birthday looking down on stunning cloud scapes

Beautiful landscapes

Only existing for that brief moment

Before they swirl and change

Into a new wonderful creation

I think on this brief glimpse of perfection

thoughts guided by a book on perception

A metaphysics on quality

Dividing it into dynamic and static

I feel the dynamic

In myself and the clouds, constantly moving

I find it hard to fit into the static

For I am like air, a cloud,

Never fully formed or settled

Hard to grab hold of

I crave the earth, the grounding

To feel comfortable in familiar surroundings 

But I keep moving

Seeking out beautiful landscapes

My essence a changing cloud scape

Post-break up

Signed up to Tinder on a Tuesday morning
When I was feeling blue
Searching for ways to pick myself up, and stop thinking of you
Swiped left for several minutes
And turned it off again
I know nows not the time to think of anything but friends
My heart's not ready, I'm feeling crushed
Yet I crave for something, even if it's lust

Written July 2019

lost

I'm still believing that I did right
That its time to take a different path
But I'm also grieving a lost life
Waiting for the next one to start
A stranger in my own home
Things are the same but I've grown
Feeling like a misfit
Wondering, is this it?
Every job I look at seems so shit
And starting my own thing, such a risk!

I feel a connection to the land
But long for the connection of a man
And yet, at the same time, I feel I need to be alone
Work out myself instead of swiping through my phone
I don't even know
Whether to stay or to go

So many options swirling through my mind
It seems impossible to find
One to focus on
Work on
The days of dreams and passion seem long gone
Where did I go wrong?
To end up so lost and confused
My youth already used
Or is this a natural state?
The fate
of a generation
Pushing adolescence to the maximum

Someone on my mind

My heart has started fluttering
My mind has started muttering

I stop trying to find
As there's someone on my mind

But I stay awake in bed, wondering what could be
Jumping ahead and thinking of we

Try to edge in slowly, instead of just run
Take each day as it comes

To start something brings us closer to the end
And the chance we may not be friends
Unless this is it and its really meant to be
But then the end will be of the single me

So take it slow, enjoy it while it lasts
Savour each moment before its past

Coming home

Sometimes it's hard to come home
After a long time away
It depends on the day
It can be wonderful seeing family and friends
But when the holiday ends
And you have to try to start something
Do something
Be something
It can make you want to run away
Deal with "real life" another day
Continue a life of travel and play
You can feel more lost at home than any country you may roam
More lonely close to family than travelling alone and free
But when you find community
Thats the draw
That can make you want to be
Part of something
Doing something
Being something
Useful to society
With permanent residency
So you can build things over time
Own something thats actually mine
Instead of temporary existence
hedonistic persistance
The draw of short term pleasures may be strong
But hopefully a sustainable life can still be fun