Chaukhamba, Chandrashila, Chopta Facing the mountains and myself

Chaukhamba, Chandrashila, Chopta 

Facing the mountains and myself

So excited I get up before 4

Can't wait to be out the door

Up into the hills

The idea thrills

But slightly scares me

Am I ready?

I’m fitter than I used to be

But hiking isn’t something the old me would go for 

I was more into taking it easy

But we’ll see

Maybe I can make this a part of the new me

We set off at 6, driving hours along miles of dusty mountain roads

Traffic jams and landslides mean the going is slow

Big buses trying to pass each other on roads that are far too narrow

The excitement and energy is zapped out of me

Some people travel for the journey, I like to find a nice place to be

Overtaking, breaking, we've stopped again

What's this up ahead?

Sign says warning

Keep moving, rocks falling

The handkerchief that guy is waving is red

But were going

Horns honking

Jumps over bumps

You think you’re going for some fresh mountain air, but it's a dusty affair

The rolling hills are full of beauty

We follow the ganga and it’s tributary

And eventually

We get to little communities amongst rice paddies

The roads and air finally clear and free

And this is where the walk begins, hiking to our first night camping

It’s only an hour, but a kilometre uphill is challenging

By the time we reach our camp at 2500 meters I’m sweating

Breathing short

I’m regretting my smoking

Even though I haven’t today

I can feel my lungs say

They’ve had enough

And yet still I puff

Just one before I go to bed

Loosing the argument in my head 

Between who I was and who I want to be

A habit so ingrained it feels part of me

So I look up at the stars and say

Not today 

Maybe tomorrow

But when I wake in the night and have to go piss in a hole

And remember my nightmares

Visualisations of my fears

I don’t want to give up at all

But smoke more to keep my subconscious mind at bay

Get a more restful night for an active day

I wake before dawn and the tent is lit up by stars shining

The silence is overpowering

Broken slowly by birds singing

I meditate on the mountains

Sat on crystal formations

The long tail of a teeter, or lambuchrea sweeps through

Followed by an eagle

Silently gliding

The rocks shining

I’m filled with joy and a connection to nature

Ready to try and make the world a better place

Picking up waste 

Plastic pollution

The human problem

Destroying the world we live in

Today’s walk pushes me out of my comfort zone

And I am not alone

The group wants to go fast but I am moving slowly

They wait for me

And we reach the peak

Astounding views across the mountain

But I don’t want to slow them down anymore

The weather is changing and they need to finish by 4

So I go back

Shanti shanti

Hasti hasti

Take the easy way and let them hike 17 kilometres through the forest without me

This gives me time to be

Alone in the mountains

Do yoga and practice guitalele

This time really feels free

The next morning we wake up at 3 

And I can feel the ornery child growing inside me

We need to see if the weather is good enough to climb

I go back to bed while the group make up their mind

We decide to go and I won’t let the child speak

It will only ask “are we nearly there yet”

Make excuses to stay in bed

As I rise in elevation, my head is ringing

In the distance there’s lightning

I haven't done training

And 4000 feet can be daunting

Gradually the snowy peaks are illuminated

I'm out of breath but elated

Proud of myself for going

My inner strength growing

But at a point in the path with a sheer drop

I stop

I don’t want to go back

But I feel a panic attack

Breath short

Tears flow

This I know

Is vertigo

I try to focus on slowing the breath, calming the mind

Trying to find

That inner strength to keep on going

Breathing, calming

I keep on walking

But when I reach the summit the child takes over

I don't want to move

Just curl into a cocoon

To tired to appreciate the view

I give a nod to the tallest mountain in Nepal

But I'm hungry, miserable

Ready to go straight back down

And as we get down it starts to rain

So I'm glad we set off at 3am

I should pack more snacks if I do it again

It's not easy walking 8 miles before 10!

I did it

But was it worth it?

Even coming back down, I'm not sure

I'm definitely not cut out for more

Maybe a different group with a slower pace

Or just by myself 

So I have more time to face

The mountains and myself