Being single in the era of covid

I’m single and I have been for quite some time

And that’s fine

In a normal world there’s nothing a single girl can’t do

It’s up to you

With who, and when you

Want

But that freedom has been taken away

We can do almost anything but play

Even basic social interaction is forbidden

How am I meant to meet men, when I can’t even see my friends?

We’re putting our lives on hold, and depending on how old 

you are, the consequences will reach far

For us ladies in our 30s that hadn’t decided whether to settle down or not yet

The timing is crucial

The decision is being made for us

There is no chance for a lust 

to turn into love.

I’m putting this out there as I know some will relate

Some of us are still swiping, maybe even going on dates

But it’s risky behaviour

Putting friends, family or housemates in danger

When even a kiss is breaking the law

I can’t blame those who choose to break the rules more

But it’s an extra layer of complexity

On top of finding someone I like who also likes me

They’ve got to follow the rules but then break them with me?

And when are you meant to make this decision?

Meet online, share a bottle of wine, over Zoom?

Quickly get out in between lockdowns

Have one date before the next round 

of social restrictions ...

And then the decision

Are they worth breaking the law for?

Or do you keep it above board

Keeping up to date with each other’s lives through messages

But nothing changes

Still sat at home watching Netflix

Working online

I know how it will go, line by line ...

How are you?

Been up to much?

No. You?

And after months of monotony it fades

We’re at our sexiest when living our passion

But with everyone’s lives turned upside down

That passion seems nowhere to be found

But it’s there

And although the world seems to be sleeping

The tension is building

And when it’s all over the parties will be amazing

So we’ve just got to be patient

When the world is back to normal all that latent 

energy will be released

And we can feast

On all the hugs and touch and being kissed

The human connection that we’ve missed

And it may seem like a long time

But in the end I know it’ll turn out fine

Visualising pain

 I have a pain in my heart

I visualise this pain:

Black with sadness

Red with anger

Yellow, feeling sick

Green jealousy

I bring into this pain a calm blue

Combining with all the colours, all the emotions

To create a strong white light

A rainbow of joy and love

Gaining strength from my feeling

Noticing and being

All that is me

Cloud scapes

I spend my birthday looking down on stunning cloud scapes

Beautiful landscapes

Only existing for that brief moment

Before they swirl and change

Into a new wonderful creation

I think on this brief glimpse of perfection

thoughts guided by a book on perception

A metaphysics on quality

Dividing it into dynamic and static

I feel the dynamic

In myself and the clouds, constantly moving

I find it hard to fit into the static

For I am like air, a cloud,

Never fully formed or settled

Hard to grab hold of

I crave the earth, the grounding

To feel comfortable in familiar surroundings 

But I keep moving

Seeking out beautiful landscapes

My essence a changing cloud scape

Post-break up

Signed up to Tinder on a Tuesday morning
When I was feeling blue
Searching for ways to pick myself up, and stop thinking of you
Swiped left for several minutes
And turned it off again
I know nows not the time to think of anything but friends
My heart's not ready, I'm feeling crushed
Yet I crave for something, even if it's lust

Written July 2019

lost

I'm still believing that I did right
That its time to take a different path
But I'm also grieving a lost life
Waiting for the next one to start
A stranger in my own home
Things are the same but I've grown
Feeling like a misfit
Wondering, is this it?
Every job I look at seems so shit
And starting my own thing, such a risk!

I feel a connection to the land
But long for the connection of a man
And yet, at the same time, I feel I need to be alone
Work out myself instead of swiping through my phone
I don't even know
Whether to stay or to go

So many options swirling through my mind
It seems impossible to find
One to focus on
Work on
The days of dreams and passion seem long gone
Where did I go wrong?
To end up so lost and confused
My youth already used
Or is this a natural state?
The fate
of a generation
Pushing adolescence to the maximum

Someone on my mind

My heart has started fluttering
My mind has started muttering

I stop trying to find
As there's someone on my mind

But I stay awake in bed, wondering what could be
Jumping ahead and thinking of we

Try to edge in slowly, instead of just run
Take each day as it comes

To start something brings us closer to the end
And the chance we may not be friends
Unless this is it and its really meant to be
But then the end will be of the single me

So take it slow, enjoy it while it lasts
Savour each moment before its past

Coming home

Sometimes it's hard to come home
After a long time away
It depends on the day
It can be wonderful seeing family and friends
But when the holiday ends
And you have to try to start something
Do something
Be something
It can make you want to run away
Deal with "real life" another day
Continue a life of travel and play
You can feel more lost at home than any country you may roam
More lonely close to family than travelling alone and free
But when you find community
Thats the draw
That can make you want to be
Part of something
Doing something
Being something
Useful to society
With permanent residency
So you can build things over time
Own something thats actually mine
Instead of temporary existence
hedonistic persistance
The draw of short term pleasures may be strong
But hopefully a sustainable life can still be fun

Missing you

I miss this
That loving kiss
Knowing that as soon as I turn my back I'm missed
That look in your eye
As I walk by
That tender touch
Oh, I miss it so much ...

But I missed this
Before we finished
Sometimes it would come back briefly
But I would find myself weeping
That look in your eye was already gone
I was trying to hold on too strong

And then it was over
Finished
My heart in pieces
8 months on and I still think of you on a daily basis
They say it takes half the length of a relationship
To get over it
So I've still got another year of this!

Missing you
That love, that touch, that kiss

Sunday in rishikesh

As I walk on the bank of the ganges

Where the sand sparkles like a million candles
I'm in awe of the beauty of nature
This peace I feel, there's nothing greater
The powerful sounds of the waterfall
Bring energy to my soul
Butterflies flutter by in every color under the sky
and some bugs I can't indentify but look like faeries in the magic of my eye
Amongst these flowers and water I know I'm nature's daughter
Put here to protect and love
Treat below as above
Worship outside as within
So I sit to write and sing
Mediate on this great world I live in

And then a baba comes my way
Sits in the bushes next to me to say
How anger and happiness come from inside
And other words that sound quite wise
I sit and nod and take it in
Listening, appreciating
Until he tries to sell me something
Up the mountain for a spiritual trip
Something just doesn't sit
Right with this dude in orange with a smart phone
I feel better appreciating nature alone
So namaste I say and continue on my way ...

At the world peace yoga center
I'm called by a poster
It's happening today
So I decide to go and play
in meditation dance
I prance
And sing
Let it all in
And out
Shake it all about
A release of emotion
An explosion
Laughing so much I'm crying
Feeling so much I'm shaking
It's exhausting
But rewarding
Letting not just the joy in
But also sadness and anger
Feeling my power
To feel
And to heal
To notice what's real

Walking back my heads in the clouds
Daydreaming down the road I get hit by a cow
Horn straight into my stomach
It doesn't hurt too much
But wakes me up
What a day it's been
waking and meditating
Appreciating this world we live in
Dancing, singing
Trying to grow with it and within

Facing the hole

Facing the hole
The hunger that can't be filled
And yet still
I try
With drugs, alcohol, relationships
Looking outside for a quick fix
And even though I tell myself
And others
That I'm happy in myself
I'm bothered
Deep down inside
There's a sadness I try to hide
Anger pushed away
Let to deal with on another day
For the moment I'll just fly away
Go abroad
smoke one more
Have a drink
Try not to think
Or think happy thoughts
Tell the narrative I want to hear
Be the person who has no fear
With a cheeky smile, always dancing
Only cry when no-ones looking
But now that I've stopped smoking
Or drinking, I'm thinking
Nows the time to face this hole
Before I hook up with another soul
Be still
And look at that hunger that can't be filled

Or can it?
Can I fix it? Fill it?
Not with temporary pleasure
But with care for others
Gratitude for what I have
The good and the bad
Unconditional love for the world
Will nourish my soul
That's the teaching of yoga
Not just the physical asana
But the mental practice
That should lead to happiness
And let me lead a life of bliss
It's the path I'll try to follow
Turn away from the ego
And although the going might be slow
One day I hope to know
Contentment

Chaukhamba, Chandrashila, Chopta Facing the mountains and myself

Chaukhamba, Chandrashila, Chopta 

Facing the mountains and myself

So excited I get up before 4

Can't wait to be out the door

Up into the hills

The idea thrills

But slightly scares me

Am I ready?

I’m fitter than I used to be

But hiking isn’t something the old me would go for 

I was more into taking it easy

But we’ll see

Maybe I can make this a part of the new me

We set off at 6, driving hours along miles of dusty mountain roads

Traffic jams and landslides mean the going is slow

Big buses trying to pass each other on roads that are far too narrow

The excitement and energy is zapped out of me

Some people travel for the journey, I like to find a nice place to be

Overtaking, breaking, we've stopped again

What's this up ahead?

Sign says warning

Keep moving, rocks falling

The handkerchief that guy is waving is red

But were going

Horns honking

Jumps over bumps

You think you’re going for some fresh mountain air, but it's a dusty affair

The rolling hills are full of beauty

We follow the ganga and it’s tributary

And eventually

We get to little communities amongst rice paddies

The roads and air finally clear and free

And this is where the walk begins, hiking to our first night camping

It’s only an hour, but a kilometre uphill is challenging

By the time we reach our camp at 2500 meters I’m sweating

Breathing short

I’m regretting my smoking

Even though I haven’t today

I can feel my lungs say

They’ve had enough

And yet still I puff

Just one before I go to bed

Loosing the argument in my head 

Between who I was and who I want to be

A habit so ingrained it feels part of me

So I look up at the stars and say

Not today 

Maybe tomorrow

But when I wake in the night and have to go piss in a hole

And remember my nightmares

Visualisations of my fears

I don’t want to give up at all

But smoke more to keep my subconscious mind at bay

Get a more restful night for an active day

I wake before dawn and the tent is lit up by stars shining

The silence is overpowering

Broken slowly by birds singing

I meditate on the mountains

Sat on crystal formations

The long tail of a teeter, or lambuchrea sweeps through

Followed by an eagle

Silently gliding

The rocks shining

I’m filled with joy and a connection to nature

Ready to try and make the world a better place

Picking up waste 

Plastic pollution

The human problem

Destroying the world we live in

Today’s walk pushes me out of my comfort zone

And I am not alone

The group wants to go fast but I am moving slowly

They wait for me

And we reach the peak

Astounding views across the mountain

But I don’t want to slow them down anymore

The weather is changing and they need to finish by 4

So I go back

Shanti shanti

Hasti hasti

Take the easy way and let them hike 17 kilometres through the forest without me

This gives me time to be

Alone in the mountains

Do yoga and practice guitalele

This time really feels free

The next morning we wake up at 3 

And I can feel the ornery child growing inside me

We need to see if the weather is good enough to climb

I go back to bed while the group make up their mind

We decide to go and I won’t let the child speak

It will only ask “are we nearly there yet”

Make excuses to stay in bed

As I rise in elevation, my head is ringing

In the distance there’s lightning

I haven't done training

And 4000 feet can be daunting

Gradually the snowy peaks are illuminated

I'm out of breath but elated

Proud of myself for going

My inner strength growing

But at a point in the path with a sheer drop

I stop

I don’t want to go back

But I feel a panic attack

Breath short

Tears flow

This I know

Is vertigo

I try to focus on slowing the breath, calming the mind

Trying to find

That inner strength to keep on going

Breathing, calming

I keep on walking

But when I reach the summit the child takes over

I don't want to move

Just curl into a cocoon

To tired to appreciate the view

I give a nod to the tallest mountain in Nepal

But I'm hungry, miserable

Ready to go straight back down

And as we get down it starts to rain

So I'm glad we set off at 3am

I should pack more snacks if I do it again

It's not easy walking 8 miles before 10!

I did it

But was it worth it?

Even coming back down, I'm not sure

I'm definitely not cut out for more

Maybe a different group with a slower pace

Or just by myself 

So I have more time to face

The mountains and myself

The rainy season blues

Oh, the beach is dead and there’s no-one around

Well a couple of dudes in each bar but no babes to be found

And the musicians still playing that same ol sound

I aint got no money, I aint got no shoes

Aint got got stuff but that’s nothing to loose

Oh, I’m in Cambodia, singing the rainy season blues

We got 12 more puppies and the cat’s in heat

Flesh eating bacteria digging holes in my feet

And a hot shower would feel like a treat (but I don’t know when that’s going to happen)

I aint got no money, I aint got no shoes

Aint got got stuff but that’s nothing to loose

Oh, I’m in Cambodia, singing the rainy season blues

The water’s got so high there’s a fish in my garden!

I’m damp to the bone and my motobike’s not startin

The cats got the shits, and I’m scared of fartin

I aint got no money, I aint got no shoes

Aint got got stuff but that’s nothing to loose

Oh, I’m in Cambodia, singing the rainy season blues

That’s right, I’m in Cambodia, singing the rainy season blues

Otres 2019

Now it's time to say goodbye
So here's some words to tell you why:

What was once a source of inspiration
The ideal environment for creation
Has been turned upside down
What got us high now gets us down
That paradise we found
Doesn't exist anymore

The power cuts more and more
Walking to the beach has become a chore
It's walking through a building site
Past casinos with their spotlights
A city sprung up overnight
Built by hundreds of trucks, tearing up the roads
Cutting the trees, dumping their loads
The environment around us is dying
But no-one is stopping it, no-one is crying
They're giving up

Seeing more money than they've ever known
Locals give up any land they own
And the barrang? Every day another one goes
What was someone's dream is now a business closed
Where to next? Nobody knows

We're all looking for the next place
Where maybe development won't be so fast paced
But as everyone moves to the next stage
The society we built here fades
And with no more community
All that's left is uncertainty
Did we jump in too quickly?
Did we see it naievly?
And if we start over, will it happen again?
Find paradise just before it's end

When we no longer feel free
But trapped in fantasy
It can sometimes feel
That it was never really real
A dream over before it got going
But hopefully we can part here knowing

That we have learned a lot
And although we smoked a lot of pot
All the people and moments won't be forgot
We had the chance to experiment
With building a guesthouse, running events
So many friends came to stay
So many people got the confidence to play
So many nights jamming away


It was more than a guesthouse, more than a bar
Stray Cats is a part of who we are
So even though it's time to part
Otres will always have a special place in our heart

Love

Love for someone or something, doesn't spring up from the blue
It requires an object to your affection, and often for them to love you too
This is when love becomes attatchment, when its dependant externally
But find that love inside yourself, and it exists eternally
I've loved a lot over the years, and loved in many ways
And the love I have for life and living rarely goes away
And even in those darker moments when love is difficult to see
Look deep inside yourself, it's the only place it'll be

Otres 2016

Otres

This place we have found ourselves

Not quite the “real world”, but then, what else?

Expat community

Developing society

A place where we can all be free

But free to do what?

To drink, and smoke and fuck?

Is this it for our reality?

A place to do drugs by the sea?

Are we just a load of hippies?

Smoking pot and talking big dreams ...

 Or have we found the key?

To live harmoniously ...

You stop worrying about money with a tab system

A passing tourist trade keeps money coming in

Life is cheap

And the people you meet

Some of the most interesting guys and girls

Stories from around the world

The weather is great, the scenery is beautiful

Pretty much, we got it all

But … life in paradise

Although I’m not denying its very nice

Still has its up and downs

Friends move on as the next season comes around

And although there’s always new ones to be found

Its hard work, constantly meeting, greeting

Building connections even though they’re fleeting

Change is quick

Blink and you’ll miss it

You gotta keep up with the times

Work with the tides

Know your bribes, or “police fines”

But the opportunity is there

And if you care

You can create something special

In a land that’s magical

Build something worthwhile

And still have a good time

We’re making a scene

A cultural dream

A place to work creatively

Time to develop personally

So if you can resist temptation

This is your nation

And working together I think we can be free

To develop society 

And enjoy our expat community

Happy f***ing Valentines Day

Happy fucking valentines day

Lets celebrate

This hallmark holiday

Capitalist, fetishized, exclamation of love

Bastadised romantics,

Superficial antics,

Quick, buy roses now, because

If you don’t

It means you don’t feel

If you wont

It means its not real

Fuck valentines day

And its candlelit dinners

Fuck valentines day

And its creation of “winners”

The Disney idea of happy ever after

True love, that’s nothing but laughter

And what about those without a partner?

Left to feel alone

Like your doing something wrong

By looking after yourself

Instead of dealing with someone else

And even if you do have someone

Why celebrate this one day alone?

Surely you should love every day

Instead of needing a holiday to say

I love you

I need you

I want you

Be mine

You’re gorgeous

You’re special

I think of you all the time

So this is my celebration of valentines day

A poem to say fuck it, I’m not going to play

I’ll celebrate love in my own way